Fraser Trevor Fraser Trevor Author
Title: If we are brought up by a dissocialistic parent, that legacy may affect us in multiple ways.
Author: Fraser Trevor
Rating 5 of 5 Des:
If we are brought up by a dissocialistic parent, that legacy may affect us in multiple ways. These behaviours common among dissoci...


If we are brought up by a dissocialistic parent, that legacy may affect us in multiple ways.

These behaviours common among dissocialistic parents. As you read through this we may wish to identify which of these applied to our childhoods:
When we were growing up did one or both of our parents:

Criticise or second-guess our choices?
Ruin happy times with their selfish behaviour?
Give us gifts with strings attached?
Forbid us to disagree with them or punish us for doing so?
Use guilt or pressure to make us put their needs first?
Have a come-here/go-away style that was confusing and unsafe?
Behave unpredictably?
Over-scrutinise us?
Create drama, scapegoating and disharmony in our family?
Seem never satisfied with us?
Play the martyr?
Become unhinged by our questions or independence?
Tell us that we could trust only them, then disappoint or use us?
Minimise or ridicule our feelings and desires?
Need to be the centre of attention or dominate conversations?
Leave us feeling trapped, unloved, hopeless or helpless?

Each of these parental behaviors can leave lasting, negative legacies. A key step in moving on from a negative legacy is to recognize any connections between your upbringing and present-day unwanted behaviors.

The following table shows possible connections between unhealthy patterns in our adult life and dissocialistic parental behaviours in our childhood.


As an adult do we sometimes . . .
1) Have difficulty making decisions? our parents criticised or second-guessed our choices.
2) Get uncomfortable when good things happen? our parents ruined good times with selfish behaviours or gave gifts with strings attached.
3) Worry or ruminate over confrontations with others? our parents forbade us to disagree with them or punished us for doing so.
4) Too often please others at our own expense? our parents used guilt or pressure to make us put their needs first.
5) Feel unable to get close to others even when we want to? our parents had a come-here/go-away style that was confusing and unsafe.
6) Find it difficult to relax, laugh or be spontaneous? our parents behaved unpredictably or over-scrutinised us.
7) Feel inexplicably drawn to turmoil rather than harmony in our relationships? our parents created drama, scapegoating and disharmony in our family.
8) Expect too much of ourself? our parents never seemed satisfied with us.
9) View others as fragile or view ourself as too much for others to handle? our parents played the martyr or became unhinged by our questions or independence.
10) Trust others unwisely or, conversely, find it hard to trust even when we want to? our parents told us that we could trust them, then disappointed or used us.
11) Feel numb or have difficulty knowing what we are feeling? our parents minimised or ridiculed our feelings and desires.
12) Feel extra-sensitive around bossy, entitled or manipulative people. our parents needed to be the centre of attention or dominate most conversations.
13) Self-soothe through excessive food, drink, shopping or other addictive behaviours? our parents’ behaviour left us feeling trapped, unloved, hopeless or helpless.


Human behaviour is complex and it would be a simplification to say that if our parent did X, you will automatically do Y. But dissocialistic parenting is a powerful influence on children and it is important to take stock of our past.As a child, acknowledging the truth about our parent when we had little power or resources to do anything about it could have been devastating. As a result, we may have learned to ignore the dysfunction, acted as if it was normal, blamed ourself for it, or counted the days until we could leave home.

Such coping strategies may have helped us to emotionally survive a difficult childhood — and it is important to honour whatever helped us survive our childhood — but those coping strategies may manifest later in life in self-defeating ways.

As an adult, making connections such as these may bring up emotions such as anger, sadness or dismay. But if you had a difficult upbringing, it does not mean we are irreparably damaged or that our life will always be difficult. None of the dissociated patterns are life sentences. Everybody has challenges in life; some of the above tendencies may be our challenges.

In addition, we may have received good things from our upbringing, no matter how dysfunctional our parenting. Even the most dissociated parents can contribute positive qualities and gifts to their children. And the adversities of our childhood may have increased our resilience, empathy, awareness and growth.

We are not a victims, nor are we powerless. The opportunity in recognising our unhealthy legacies is to break the connections.

Each time you notice yourself falling into one of the patterns , remind ourself, “This may have been our history but it doesn’t have to be our destiny.”

Then we ask ourself empowering questions such as:
What is best way to take care of me and meet my needs in this situation?”
“Is this how I want to treat myself or others?”
“Who do I want to be in the world right now?”

ULTRA On-Mobile

Post a Comment

 
Top