Fraser Trevor Fraser Trevor Author
Title: The Ten Stages is the only program that initially guarantees only three outcomes...Grief..Pain and Suffering
Author: Fraser Trevor
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The Ten Stages is the only program that initially guarantees only three outcomes...Grief..Pain and  Suffering, a re-awakening from the fro...
The Ten Stages is the only program that initially guarantees only three outcomes...Grief..Pain and Suffering, a re-awakening from the frozen state we find ourselves in.
(also we come to an acceptance of the 5 Stages of Grief - Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance - these were first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to describe a process which of us go through when dealing with a significant tragedy or loss.)Remember we are recovering a relationship with our child within who has been betrayed and abandoned over many years sometimes a whole lifetime.

The 5 Stages of Grief are:
Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

Most of us go through our own version of the 5 stages of dissociated grief as we come to terms with the reality that we are dealing with our child within who suffers from a significant abuse and abandonment issues and whose childhood personality is deeply disordered, perfect but disordered brings long term struggles and difficult choices that we have now to face. In a way, we face a death - death of the dream of coming from a "normal" home and the expectation of being loved the way we deserve by those closest to us.
Our Denial Statements can and often include:

It's not that bad. Most of the time we're really happy.

She's rough on me but she really cares about the other kids

I feel like I have a connection with her like no other.

She's had a hard life.

She's been working hard on our relationship lately

 Anger Statements:
You psycho bitch!
You only care about yourself!
You'll be sorry someday.
 Bargaining Statements:
If you don't keep to our agreement I'm going to abandon you.
I came home early from work every day last week. How can you say I don't care?
I forgave you when you hit me!
I love you (thinking - please don't hurt me)

Depression Statements:
Maybe she's right
I could never leave, my life would be ruined
I have to stay for the sake of the kids.
At least I have a good job.
 Acceptance Statements:
I still love you. I'm leaving because I don't want these fights to continue.
I know I've made mistakes too. I'm sorry for that.
I wish her well and hope the best for her.
There were some things I still like about him, there were some things that scared me.
I'm not happy I'm divorced, but I'm glad I went through with it.


Learning to Cope with Grief in the ten stages:

Grief is a consequence of loss and much as we want to we often find that we can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it and have to go through it.

Mourning

It's OK to mourn. Think about the way it should have been, could have been, might have been. Imagine your life if the abuser in your life had had a healthy mind, a sense of responsibility, a conscientious kind heart. Write it down. What dreams did you sacrifice? What pain did you swallow? Mourning is the time to cry. And when you are done, if you want to, cry again.

Rant about it. Talk to a safe group of stagers about it. Tell somebody what happened to your child within. Get it off your chest. Why was it wrong? What happened? How in the world did you put up with that for so long? Take a load off! Tell someone your story of your dissociation.

There are lots of us here at the program/the ten stages and the child within who have been there, who are still there - who are trying to find the courage to say: "I hurt!", "That was wrong!", "It didn't have to be that way!", "I deserve better!" Somehow we feel stronger when we hear from others who have faced or are facing the same struggles as ourselves.

What NOT to do:
Don't be ashamed of your child within. It is something that makes us all very human.
Don't be ashamed to admit your grief for your child within to others or to seek assistance.
Don't believe that you will always feel this way. The only thing that stays constant is change.
Don't isolate yourself or cut yourself off from people who really care about freeing your child within.
Don't pressure yourself to snap out of it. Celebrate who you really are a perfect beautiful child within.
What TO do:

Remember that grief is a process which takes a little time and effort.
Be good to your child within - give yourself loving-kindfulness every day that you will look forward to.
Get support from Stagers who recognise and understand what you are going through and who care about you.

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